The Monday Rant: The Waiting Game

Art Monk took to the podium today. The USA Today had a very special entry this week submitted by a few college coaches. Another Ohio State player got a DUI a couple days ago. Oh yeah, it's almost football season.

Thank God.

Know what I did today? I watched the Women's Golf British Open. The top 85 finishers were Asian women whose names I didn't recognize. I can now cope with people who think watching golf on tv is like being strapped into a chair and force-fed oatmeal. Boring as sin and completely unbearable.



I can't wait for football. It's been 8 months since the last NCAA game, and 7 since the Patriots last loss. That's enough time for a human to learn how to walk and talk and take a crap in a real potty (don't quote me on these figures). And all I've gotten to do is twiddle my thumbs. I'm so anxious I watched a whole series of the Hall of Fame game today.

Quick digression: I met two guys this weekend who drove all the way from Tennessee to hear Art Monk and Darrell Green, tour the Hall of Fame, and attend the Hall of Fame preseason game. Yes, they were huge Redskins fans. And yes, they were huge (the one named DJ was a dead ringer for Casey Hampton aka Big Snack, but only if Big Snack were to eat pre-Subway Jared). Unfortunately they weren't in their Hogette gear-- they only have one gameday dress and it was already pushing it to wear it at the induction and the game. If only they watched their caloric intake the same way they watched out for the hygenic condition of their women's clothing.



But not having football is like having an itch I can't scratch. It's like a flea collar I think. Except the flea collar is actually a double-edged sword. While it will be sweet, sweet glory when they finally get around to kicking off the first game, it's pure agony right now. As in, the shitty edge of the sword is currently rammed right into my sternum.

Every team is going to have a great season. Every other team has a player missing due to injury, academic reasons, contract disputes, or trouble with the law. Every coach is shitting roses. Every team's fan base is overflowing with optimism. Everyone is full of shit.



I don't want to forecast how well Notre Dame's offensive line will do this year. I'm not a weather man. I don't want to estimate the number of wins the Browns will amass after a successful season and more experience across the board. I'm not a Vegas certified oddsmaker. And I certainly don't want to hear anything about any NFL franchises in Wisconsin and their quarterback struggles unless it involves the death of all involved parties. I'm not a fag.

What I do want is some football. And that's not what I'm going to get. Not for 26 more days, at least. 20 of these are work days. So 77% of my days until football are going to eat ass. And it'll probably still be hot as nuts all month. And there's not much else to distract me.

What about the Olympics, you ask. They're a damn farse, that's what. Overhyped, politicized, environmentally unfriendly, falsely patriotic, and above all, a far cry from the stated goal of celebrating sport. Everybody in track cheats, so that's out. Gymnastics is a child labor lawsuit away from extinction. Swimming is badass, but only America is good at it so the trials in Omaha last month were the peak, and they're already gone. And all the other sports are either judged by biased officials or too obscure to merit consideration. F that noise.



What about the PGA championship, you ask. What about it? Do you want to watch 7 hours a day of Phil Mickelson for 4 days? I'd rather let my car run in the garage and see how many situps I can do.

What about major league baseball, you ask. How's fuck off sound? How would you feel if your favorite tv show killed off the three best characters but brought in 8 new shitty roles in the following episode with a producer's note that the new characters had the chance to contribute to the show someday? Would you be jacked up to see 8 new fucks develop? Would you tune in for more than 17 seconds once you realized they were dead serious about the not-ready-for-primetime billing? Fuck no. Lick my nuts. And people thought the writers' strike was bad. It lasted like 4 months. Fuck me.

So it's 26 more days of shit. And "preview editions" of College Gameday. And preseason NFL games that teams have the gall to charge face value for tickets to see. And buzz about Notre Dame's "experienced" O-line. Maybe I'll get an advent calendar a few months early.